Vol. 10 No. 52 September 2 - 8

Take Out Venezuela! On a date!

ITEM! I saw some darling college girls this weekend, though I did my best not to actually talk to them, as they were trying to sell me a tank-sized Navigator for a $100 chance. It was the St. Jude's Clambake Saturday for the children's cancer research hospital, held at Newport Dunes.There was a little boy moonwalking in front of the band; he didn't have cancer, but the teen whom my cigarette smoke enveloped in the spotlight sure had. The Surfaris of Wipeout fame were playing; they're a Christianite band now, playing a lot at Calvary Chapel, and they were good, and there was dinner, and lots and lots of pretty girls. I always promise to hit the various charity galas, and I never have a lick of fun when I do. But my debonair and debauched friend Gordy Grundy ran the auction, and Joe Isuzu emceed, and Lee Iacocca looked very fat and friendly, and St.Jude's never ever asks uninsured families to pay. It sounds sort of socialist to me, but with any luck, that'll be outlawed soon like the good Lord intended.

Socialism is for Hugo Chavez and his Muslim extremists loafing on top of our yummy crude oil.

The only odd note at the party (I mean besides me blowing smoke on a teen with cancer) was that stupid SUV. After a perky sorority girl tried for the fifth time to sell me a ticket, I asked, "How on earth would I gas that thing up?" (Even Trent Lott called them "those SUV hogs.") Her smile froze. She looked confused. "But it's free!" she offered.

Such optimistic youthful blossoms; they made me realize what a cynic I've become. I tried to bring forth a rosier state of mind-and I did: I'm so glad the Louisiana National Guard and its generators and Hummers and high-water vehicles are in Iraq instead of in nasty old New Orleans. And I'm sure that because of Louisiana's fine sacrifice, the price of oil-I mean democracy!-will fix itself right quick! And if it doesn't, we can always take out democratic Venezuela to show just how it's done!

Please don't take my words out of context. I never said it, and if I did, I meant take it out on a date.

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More about the great talents of REBECCA SCHOENKOPF? Try the Commie Girl Collective!